Thank God Through It All

This 2 days has been crazy for me... The highs and lows of emotions... God i give thanks for the emotions that i face both high and low!! I thank you for a day of just worshipping and a day that is blameless in your eyes...

Yesterday it started off quite well in the morning.. Till I see her.. Then I know something is wrong... hmmmm.. from the way she look at me... I know she is going to say something bad already... mhm... I have made my decision.. so.. I am not going to be bothered by anything and anyone.... I am going to hang on tight till i see the day God brings the whole thing to completion!! God i believe that the day will come!! God i pray that you help me know this is a right decision and that wad i am doing is right.. God grant me the ability to handle the emotions and the words of others.. Lord, i just want to care about how you think of me and how you feel bout me.. make things work out right, Lord... God i pray that you grant me a discerning ear!!

Next, we started to set up shop to fundraise for QQS!!.... The setting up of the place was actually fun... Working with ppl who are having a common objective! knowing wad we want and all.. it feels good.. the setting u pwas done in a short while since there are so many ppl.. I was assigned to selling clothes... shirts... animated cartoon T-shirts for children!! Initially, things was fine... i am still full of energy.. till ppl start coming to see the shirts like pasamalam.... they ask me to open up the plastic look look here see see there then just leave the shirt around.. then end up, i think there is this point in time that there are like more than ten shirts lying around...but its okay la... i still am able to smile.. cos i know that God from above is looking down at me... Now i know why i don like to try on shirts and jeans while buying... cos the feeling of this "messing up the place" sux and the sales personnel have to fold it up nicely after that... and now i know i am nv ever going to be a salesman!! At least not for clothes!! haha.. God, you see how i step out of my comfort zone.. to be a sales person.. God see my heart as i serve you.. Lord, continue to teach me and teach my heart the heart of worship and servanthood... Lord grant me your grace even as i might not have done it to the best.. Lord i already tried to be my best and God, i know you saw me... God i thank you for the 27 shirts that is sold and i thank you lord for the help you have put beside me... God i thank you!!! Lord bless those who bought the shirts with the simple joy as they wear the shirts.!!

but halfway thru, i went to see the kids at G kids... saw them just enjoying themselves and God i thank you for my brother who took over my group while i am away serving you..!! God thanky ou!!! of cos... thank you Lord for bringing a smile upon my face as i see went around to sell the remaining stuff, the photo frames and the bookmarks.. God i thank you lord for those who bought the things from me and supported QQS... Lord i thank you for letting me see her as it really makes me feel better... God i thank you for the kids at G kids as they eventually really came to support me.. I really felt the support from them even as they use their own pocket money to just buy one chocolate bar from the counter!! Lord i thank you for them!!!

then also went to service... i felt so tired and when i enter service.. i was practically dozing off... But wad i caught real hard was God is a GOD WHO SPEAKS!!! God who speaks?!?! Does it mean he will "HEY GUOWEI!! WAZZUPZZ..!!".... no!!! he wont just from the heaven start shouting my name like that!!What i got from pastor is that he will make things happen so coincidentally that he is speaking to us thru the numbers that we... the music that we hear!! I guess God is just telling me and affirming me.. cos recently i always "thought" that i hear God and sometimes i will just brush it aside as "it is just a coincidence!!".. GOD, I am sorry for brushing you aside.. God, speak to me ba!!

after everything end, i went with my brothers to wait for jimmy to book out!! FIRST BOOK OUT LEI... seeing him staying strong and positive is an exhibition of God's faithfulness and grace!! God i thank you for jimmy's safety...

When i reach home... chatted on the phone for a while and then went out to run.. that was one tough phonecall to make.. the sharing was a tough topic and really felt the fear... fear of lossing.. fear of being overwhelmed by negative thoughts... God i pray that you be the Lord over all the situations... God you know my fears.. Lord don let me carry things that are beyond my limits!! God help me!!! So after i put down the photo, i talked to my dad for a while and went to run all the way till 10!!! i think its been a long time since i ran so far.. and while running.. i just felt God's peace and all.. i cried while running.. just like a kid.. crying as i run to my father... and as i run, i felt God just comforting me and telling me things will at the end of the day work out rite if i continue to fear him more and more!! God, let me fear you more and more each day and let me just go through all this with you running beside me and picking up the tears that roll off my cheek... God pick me up and let me stay strong!! God let me have the power and ability to handle all this and help me to stand by it all!!! God assure us all and let us know you will pull us through togehter!!!

**I just hope that at those moments when things are not going well, you will know that there is someone who stands by you!! Thank God!!

One decision is all that matters!!

Today, its the GKidz picnic.

In the morning, I was not feeling very good and happy. I was actually so tired and all. And body is like aching!! But after listening to my picnic head, and his views regarding some issues, i felt better. But there is still that feeling of... I WAN TO SLACK... I WAN TO JUST GO THROUGH MOTION!!! So I went to the park as planned as the advance party. Upon reaching there, D___ and I started to set up the place and start allocating the place. After a while, everything is done and we are slacking and stoning. At this point in time, I am just stoning and wanting to get through it...

Soon, the first bus arrive. OUT OF MY DUTY... I went to direct them to D___ so that she can tell them where to settle down at.. But as the kids start coming, i see the laughter on their faces. I see the "looking forward to a great day" faces.. I felt God telling me, are you going to start shouting at them because they are so messy, and take all your anger out on them?

I thought for a while and I realised I am so selfish!! My problems are MY problems.. why am I taking my emotions out on other ppl?

So, in that short few minutes, I told myself.... Guowei.. if you are going to be so selfish and you want to ruin the whole event, go ahead and give that face!! but if you don wan to... then you should love them.. play with them and SMILE!!! greet everyone with a smile!!! And... ya... my decision is to smile.....

So, i was looking forward to my kids, and i saw them!!! I felt happier now that i have choosen to smile.. I felt lighter and felt God telling me that.. Good one la... Heng you choose the right thing to do.... other than that, when i saw the rest of the kids, as they walk towards me and as i redirect them to the picnic ground, i feel better and better.. Soon, I saw XX and seeing the smile make me smile too!!

Soon, the kids all arrived and I manage to join the kids and play... I was playing volleyball when this P4 guy came up to me and look at me... then he asked if he can play... (he is not from my group) and i smiled and said okay!! while playing, this P4 guy cut himself... maybe out of duty, i decide to bring him to clean up his cut.. it is just a small cut, so i asked him if he wanted to clean it up... he said no.. but i asked again.. and he said yes...

the next thing surprised me!!! this P4 guy held on to my hand!!! I was too surprised to think about it and so i just started walking... even as i reach my bag, i am still so surprised that someone, a young kid, will put so much trust in me... I don even know him and i nv seen him before!! as i was cleaning his cut for him... I really felt that he trusted me and he is thinking that i know wad i am doing when actually, i don.... but because of him.. i realised how much God trust me... this are young lives!! so many of them.. and God chose me to serve here.. God gave me this opportunity to demonstrate his trust for me... OMG... i really felt way better.. From the going thru motion to seeing the trust of God...

i think the main take away today for me is that most of the time... things happen just a decision away... just like this morning.. that simple decision to smile... it changes the whole spiritual climate that i am facing..

so... thank God for today!! THANK YOU lord for making it such a great day and letting me see you working through the live of a little one...

It's been a while since I last updated something on this blog... I think things at home are getting slightly better ba... After paying the money, there seems to be some peace at home...

So let me start with another thing... Just this weekend, I felt something that I nv felt before.. I felt as though something that meant quite a bit me got threatened.. There is that feeling that I am so useless and I cannot even do anything to protect it... Worst I am making things worst and felt quite lousy.. But eventually..I felt better after seeing that things are not as bad as I imagined it to be.. God I ask that you be the lord over it all and be the lord of my life.. God please come and let your peace reign in all that I am faceing.. God let your hands be with me and bless this important thing... God I ask that you come into my home and keep positive despite all that is happening... God watch over all of it..

Think about this

"Through all these years I have lived thus far, what some have deemed the dribs and drabs of life's facts dawn upon them, I have deem God's graces and illuminations making me understand that one TRULY lives joy, peace and happiness when you stop chasing butterflies with a net. They will only elude you.

But when you 'fulfill' your life with the needs of others who have so much less than you; when you bravely take the path that God's loving hands had carved for you (and only you..); and with and in faith, peace, joy and hope; giving thanks for any and every rock, stone or even boulder that blocks you and makes you stumble; and as you reflect humbly on all His tender mercy and love with your constant needs and complaints, on top of that VERY boulder that made you fall, HAPPINESS like the butterfly will come quietly and land on your shoulder whispering peace and joy in its fluttering wings of dance and music

I sometimes sit on that rock. That same rock that made me fall and bleed. The same rock that sometimes is a friend. But all the time is God.

I realize it is not what I do in my life, It is what I did with it. It's not what I'm having in my life, It's what I gave to have it. It's not so much what I do in life, It's how I live."

~ Gerard Sebastian, How I Live (an Anglo-Chinese Junior College Dance Society Production)

Best Friends

While many may see a very different side of me when at work, or in ministry, there's one side that few may know is that very often, I find myself feeling that I cannot make it as a friend. I was talking to my best friend this evening, and I do know that every time we share such heart-to-heart thoughts about our friendship, when I blare out my thoughts (complaints, really), it does frustrate the friendship. And at the end of it all, I feel guilty that I've caused all the frustrations and all. If only if I don't think so much, don't feel so negative and just be happy-go-lucky. Like the rest.

But I recognize that I'm not. More importantly, I recognize that I'm not that perfect friend - and while I do definitely feel bad about how things are, I continue to relentlessly love as I know how to, give as I can, and ask God to mould me to be that better person. I know I do fail, much to the dismay of myself - but that's life's very journey that God has marked out for me. The emotions, the character, the expectations I have on myself - that's who God has made me to be. All the other good traits are also part of the package.

My point? I really want to thank God for my friend who's always so patient with me; and thank you too. I know that I'm not all that perfect, at times I'm not sure why I'm like this. I probably can think of plenty of reasons, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy of how I end up so tired out, emotional and negative... I just hope that as we have our rough patches, that we continue to commit ourselves to each others' best interest. I know that neither of us are perfect, and as we share about each other, with all the other leader stuff taken away.. just as two best friends.. honestly committed to grow in God, things will get better.

"Best friends are not meant to be; but chosen"

Let's fight!

Jacob Wrestles With God

²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

²⁷ The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

²⁸ Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

²⁹ Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel, ^[f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

³¹ The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, ^[g] and he was limping because of his hip. ³² Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

This was what I was reading last nite... After all the emotions and all the headaches.... I remember hearing this... If God needs to show you a miracle, He will plan everything to show you that miracle... And if you din see that miracle, He will show you the next miracle... In His hands are alot alot of miracles!!! And to let you see it and understand it, He will show it to you one by one.. If you miss the first one, there is still the second and third and fourth...... the list goes on.... So last nite, i was praying... GOD I REALLY NEED TO SEE YOUR MIRACLE... IF I DON, I THINK I AM FADING AWAY...

So, with that, I went to my bible... And I happen to see Genesis chapter 32.. Initially I was just reading through, thinking, okay... let me just see what is this trying to tell me... And as i read, I read the Peniel experience... This is a miracle that i saw... It says that Jacob sent away all his maids, his wifes,his children and he was all alone!!! (I was all alone reading it at that point in time... I 'sent' my parents to bed....) next, Jacob wrestle the man!! (I was considered wrestling with God in me, wrestling to stay strong, to stay positive, to stay rational, to be a good son to my parents...) And wad did Jacob do??... He wrestled God till day break... from the nite to day break... I remember when i was in OCS, there is a lesson on fighting, where 2 person will be wearing all the padding and we will fight with the stick for 5 mins?... I remember that at that time, i was fighting this guy who is about the same size as me... All we had to do is to fight, really fight with all our might for 5 mins.. the 5 mins to me at that time felt like 2 hours.. i was so tired half way through and i had no more strength... That 5 mins is enough to drain me of all the energy i had and after the 5 mins, both my partner and I are still standing, WE ARE STILL STANDING... we have no more strength to knock each other out... But how bout Jacob, my 5 mins... He fought with God for 5 hours and more!!! yet, no matter how tired he is, no matter how weak he felt, how drained out he was... He fought, and he fought and he fought... I think in his mind, he must have felt like giving up so many times, he must be thinking.. WA LAO EH... I AM GOING TO DIE SOON, I HAVE NO MORE STRENGTH, I AM HYDRATING!! But yet, with all this in mind, he persisted on with the fight... Can you believe how persistent he was... and even after he is injured, after God demonstrated his power by touching his hip, he did not give up... instead, he fought even harder!! till God have to say okayokay.. enough.. i don wan to disturb you anymore.. let me go let me go... God have to pretend that Jacob win so that Jacob wont die of the exhaustion and the hydration!! When jacob heard that God telling him to let Him go, all he asked for was a blessing!!

Seriously, as i think back of the most tiring experience that i ever experienced at work and at camp and in schools, at those moments, i always felt like giving up... God haven even touch my hip and i am giving up already... But this time, I felt God challenging me... I felt Him telling me that this time, I am going to touch your hip... are you ready, its going to be super painful, its going to leave you with battle scars... you are going to be so painful that you are going to cry like a baby!!! are you ready for my touch?? But God also tol me that if you survive my touch, and you don let me go, you can ask for a blessing and i will see that it is done according to what you asked for..

God, you know my limit, God you know my limit way better than i do... God, let me pretend to win before i die from the exhaustion and the dehydration.. God when times that i start to doubt my ability to pull thru, can you send your angels to give me bread and wake me up to eat? God can you pretend to let me win and let me see some hope? God can you carry me on your shoulder like how a father would to his own children and let me smile... God can you say things that will push me to try to defeat you.. And God... Can you watch me that even as i am hurt and in pain, ensure that i fight to the end and not give up at the last moment? God, please see me through it and God, I wan my blessing!!! GOD I WAN MY BLESSING!!! God let me be like Jacob and Lord, bless my house hold with so much so much more!! God bless my parents health and financial confidence! GOD YOU WATCH OVER THEM... GOD I HAVE NO MEANS BUT YOU HAVE ALL MEANS!!! God, help me to guard my house and help me to watch over this home.. let it remain as a home and GOD! I speak hope into my home! God speak LOVE into this household and Lord, send your angels around this household that the devils will not be able to touch us... God i give all glory and honor unto your name! In Jesus name i pray. Amen!

"He's my son"

For the first time today, I stepped into the offices of a meet-the-people session; for the first time, I just stood there with my best friend waiting for the turn to come; for the first time we brought the problem of his family to the officers there, only to be referred elsewhere.

But not for the first time, I felt so helpless. Not for the first time, I wish I could do more - only to know that there is really nothing more but pray and be there. Not for the first time, I teared in my heart seeing what's going on, to witness it, to read it. Not for the first time, I wish I can be the one going through all that he's going through.

I wish I'm the one sleeping on the hard sofa; I wish I'm the one that faces those challenges. But I'm not. Here's a song that speaks my heart right now.. and to only pray and do whatever I can. Beyond myself, it's really all God. Even with that thread of faith..




My dearest friend, you are not alone in all that you face... even with that thread of faith, know that God is with you. I am too. Jia you ba.

Today... I also don know how to start this entry... I think now, I am a broken man.. But this broken man needs to show a strong front for his family.. Today, this guy started with being really tired after a long day of work... Instead of returning to a good happy home, this guy have to go to the MP at the community center with his mom... As tired abs stony this guy is, he went ahead... All he wanted was to get it over an done with.. Cos he is already so tired... But after it all, when he was bout to go home, he heard his home is in a mess cos his brother is asking for money again.. Seriously, at that point in time, he felt the betrayal of trust and the hurt goes right from the heart... He felt like crying and his steps home was heavy.. But he went home still...

When he reach home.. He was greeted by naggings of a mother and the words of a father... His brother did not say a word... This guy wanted to just be left out of the picture seriously cos he felt he has already done more than enough... However, things slowly changed!!! He saw the disappointment in the eyes of the father and the hopelessness in the voices of his mother... He felt the stress right in him!! But he needs to be the one to stand up in his family... He NEED to be the one to speak hope into his parents!! He NEED to be the one who is strong at this point in time.. In his mind, he really felt lost!! It's worst than being lost in Brunei JCC... The type that I can't see light and yet must walk to wards light.. Then, suddenly he saw his own father knee down in from of his brother for the second time... At that point in time, this guy's heart gave way.. He told himself that this is HIS FAMILY and it's his responsibilty to stand by it and handle all that is coming... Following that, he started talking to his parents.. And convincing them.. All this while, there is that feeling from yesterday's blog entry.. The feeling of being forgotten at home since all the attention has been on the brother since young... But this is really not a time to be thinking of that.. That is what he keep telling himself!!

Finally, conclusion for now is that this family is not going to pay the loan sharks anymore.. It's getting more an more and there is no more grace or the brother.. It's time for him to learn...

God god god!!! You know how the condition of this guy's heart.. God don let him handle things that he cannot handle.. Lies you are the counilor!! God give home the advices and tell him what is the next step to take according to your plan... God let your peace reign in his heart.. God I speak of your peace in his heart!! God you are the prince of peace and god I enthrone you as the prince of his heart!! God I pray that you grant him wisdom and god you put a hedge of protection over his family.. God you know his worries as he goes to shanghai next month.. God tell him and god he needs your affirmation right now!!! For came and show him the miracle.. God help him to remain positive and god.. He is so weak!!! God give him the strength to survive this and give him the ability to handle it with care and not let him sin and fall... Did I pray that you watch over his mother that she will look after her on health and god watch over his father that he will be free from sickness and that his body will be strong.. God I commit all things into your hands and bless him tonight that as he sleeps on the hard sofa tonight, you grant him more than enough test and that tonight there will be no one coming to draw or spray paint!! God come and reign.. Amen!!

Today, it was the Gkidz Amazing Race @EXPO!! Mhm... I think cos of that, i became very tired and drained out ba.... So decided to go home earlier... felt so tired and restless... then called a pig... and chatted for a while ba... mhm... then ... my mom came home!!!!!

At First, we were watching tv and all... Then suddenly, my dad talked bout the a letter that my brother receive yesterday... It is a lawyer letter cos my brother refuses to go and pay the debts that he owes his previous company... To me, i feel that he should learn to answer for his owns action.. and stop hiding behind my parents and all... and my mom was saying and nagging...

At that point in time, i was suddenly very upset and hurt.. just felt that like...why you care so much more for my brother than me.. i am your son too!!! I remember having a chat with my mom yesterday during breakfast... We were talking bout the days in Henderson, my old house... my memories?? I remember that my mom used to cane me as I am trapped by the gates that locks me in the house. I remember things like my mom scratching me with her nails... and alot more... But, from her memories, its things like, my brother... how she used to bring him to mac, how she brings him to tuition, how she will bring him to go shopping and buy him toys.... but how bout me?

So at that point in time, i was really sad,angry,frustrated, i don know wad else.... so i decide to go running... while i run, i just felt God telling me that He is going to run beside me... Even as i run a new path, all the up slopes and down slops... he is running with me.. and even when there seems no cars on the roads and i am all alone, i felt Him assuring me that He is running by my side... CAST ALL YOUR FEARS AND WORRIES ON ME.... thru the run... i seem to forget all the things that i started the run with.. all the emotions... the anger, frustrations, sadness....

I think some how God is trying to make me see things more clearly?.. using all the small little things to upset me so that i will go run.. and so that He can tell me something??...

Honestly, now, i guess i am feeling better, but if you ask me if there is still the butterfly flying in my heart, yes!! ITS STILL THERE!! i am still quite confused and i really feel tired of worrying so much for the family...

But GOD!! hear my cry!! COME HAVE YOUR WAY!!! God, i pray that this be the path to begin your great work!! God i pray that you help me to cast it all on your cross!! and God, please continue to speak to me... But God, next time don let me be so emo again lei.. cos... it doesnt feel good.. although it feels grreat to hear from you and feel you just now!! God help me to be free from all the negative emotions and let me be well again! God watch over my family!! and be in my family!! in Jesus name i pray, AMEN!!

Wad a good day!!

Today attended the youthnet 144 meeting.. I thought it was really a good time!! In the middle of the week and letting me know that god cares for me and that even as a face all the things.. He is with me.. He is the one who will wake me up when I am tired to eat and wake me up again!! Like wad pastor YC said!! If one miracle is not enough, he will show me the second one then the third and the fourth!! And after eating, I will be able to run for 40 days!! How amazing is it!! Really finding rest my soul!! I mean, I have been thru JCC for 9 days without food.. And I know how tiring it is to be constantly on the move and without food.. And so I can expect Elijah to feel worst!! 9 compared to 40 is like nth!! Am yet he made his way to the cave and met Gof there!! So God I pray that you bring me to the cave as well!! And god please let me see thru your eyes!!
Another thing that a felt today at the meeting is that indeed God will not put me in situations that are beyond me and that even in such situations, he will send angels to wake me up for food!! So I pray that god will open my eyes to see more and that God I choose to believe that indeed my family will survive this hardship and that I will grow stronger after this!! God please use this circumstance to your plans! Use me to advice others and use me to led people thru this period of hardship!!

Today before the meeting at nite, was having a break!! Took leave to go out with a fren!! It felt good and a really enjoyed myself!! It's a good break from all the work and stress that I face at work!! Slept in a little and spent quite sometime just chatting with this fren!! Really felt carefree with this fren!! And knew that this fren will always stand by me ... It feels good and I really like today.. Simple meals and simple stuff!! But totally comfortable!! Thank you my fren for making this day so wonderful!! Haha.. Hopefully you see this haha!!

Other than the good day, is the packed train ride.. Thank god that made it to the meeting on time and the space that god somehow created...

Really thank God for the great day!! Thank you Lord!!


That is all for now!! Bye bye!!

Thanks..

Hi.. I think I have not been exactly a good friend.... I think I have hurt people around me... I want to thank some ppl around me... I wan to let my cell leader Chris know that although i don really say it.. i appreciate those things that you have done for me... all the small little things.. even things like breakfast.. sending me around... and those words of encouragements... i think i am really not the type of guy that you is a good fren ba... i am not up to your stnadard of fren... and i am very different from who you thought of as a good fren... i am sorry bout that... and sometimes.. i do hope that i can be a better fren... but i do care bout alot of things in my own ways... mhm... and i will nv forget wad you have done in this year... all the money that you have lent my brother.. i owe you that and i will pay you back no matter how long its going to take.. i know that words don mean anything.. but trust me.. i owe you this and i will pay you back.. i know that this is a hugh thing to you.. and i thank you for the trust and love you have shown me... I am so sorry that i cannot be the fren you wanted me to be... but please don think that you are taken for granted.. alot of times seeing you just remind myself of how much i owe you.. its not a small thing.. and sometimes i think this seems to overwhelm me alittle.. ya.. but i am learning to handle it ba... i really nv take you for granted...