So funny that I end up writing in this blog that I doubt anyone would read. After all, it is in a blog for a cell that, hmmm. is so different now. Everyone has grown up, some have left, some have been seeded up. While it seems that things has progressed, somehow in my heart there are still things not let go. Miss those times when I hangout so often with the guys. Enjoying the time with them whilst building lives. Those deliberate effort made by both sides to hang out with each other, hmmm. Somehow it's no longer like that any more? Just needing a place to rant. A place to let up to God. A place where I can only write a prayer and leave it in God's hands.

It's been a looooong while

So much happened within such a short time.. and somehow, led back to this blog. And I remember how excited and proud I was when it was started. Still am, particularly as I read the sharing in it.

I remember when something like this last happened.. was so long ago.. there was the phone call, when I shared how horrible and dirty I felt when I sinned so terribly - just to remind on the other end, that hey, I understand. Then there was the quarrel then we just ended up going for a jog at West Coast Park.. lol.. we teased each other, pushed each other.. just ran.. and ran.. and ran.. finishing off with a nice meal at Fong Seng Prata... oh yes, there was also the time when which you were so stressed about Exercise Spade -- and of course, I think I did said something wrong.. reacted wrongly at you.. then you even wanted to go to OCS yourself.. the time of me breaking my watch, the time when ... and the list goes on. And each time something pushes you to the limit, you'll go running... even once running to my place.

But if there's anything all this reminds me of .. is God's faithfulness when neither of us proved to be worthy of His grace and love, and how God was faithful to work for the good of those who love Him... and God is faithful to love us even when we aren't quite loveable.. it reminds me that we had and I pray still have, a friendship that goes beyond all this. That friendship that was there for me even though I was emotional and unreasonable.. That friendship that somehow, some way.. things get resolved, no matter what. Just as God's love is.

I'm not sure whether you'll be led to this blog just as I have been.. but, as you've written in fine print in the last entry:
"I just hope that at those moments when things are not going well, you will know that there is someone who stands by you!! Thank God!!" Someone still stands by you!!

Thank God Through It All

This 2 days has been crazy for me... The highs and lows of emotions... God i give thanks for the emotions that i face both high and low!! I thank you for a day of just worshipping and a day that is blameless in your eyes...

Yesterday it started off quite well in the morning.. Till I see her.. Then I know something is wrong... hmmmm.. from the way she look at me... I know she is going to say something bad already... mhm... I have made my decision.. so.. I am not going to be bothered by anything and anyone.... I am going to hang on tight till i see the day God brings the whole thing to completion!! God i believe that the day will come!! God i pray that you help me know this is a right decision and that wad i am doing is right.. God grant me the ability to handle the emotions and the words of others.. Lord, i just want to care about how you think of me and how you feel bout me.. make things work out right, Lord... God i pray that you grant me a discerning ear!!

Next, we started to set up shop to fundraise for QQS!!.... The setting up of the place was actually fun... Working with ppl who are having a common objective! knowing wad we want and all.. it feels good.. the setting u pwas done in a short while since there are so many ppl.. I was assigned to selling clothes... shirts... animated cartoon T-shirts for children!! Initially, things was fine... i am still full of energy.. till ppl start coming to see the shirts like pasamalam.... they ask me to open up the plastic look look here see see there then just leave the shirt around.. then end up, i think there is this point in time that there are like more than ten shirts lying around...but its okay la... i still am able to smile.. cos i know that God from above is looking down at me... Now i know why i don like to try on shirts and jeans while buying... cos the feeling of this "messing up the place" sux and the sales personnel have to fold it up nicely after that... and now i know i am nv ever going to be a salesman!! At least not for clothes!! haha.. God, you see how i step out of my comfort zone.. to be a sales person.. God see my heart as i serve you.. Lord, continue to teach me and teach my heart the heart of worship and servanthood... Lord grant me your grace even as i might not have done it to the best.. Lord i already tried to be my best and God, i know you saw me... God i thank you for the 27 shirts that is sold and i thank you lord for the help you have put beside me... God i thank you!!! Lord bless those who bought the shirts with the simple joy as they wear the shirts.!!

but halfway thru, i went to see the kids at G kids... saw them just enjoying themselves and God i thank you for my brother who took over my group while i am away serving you..!! God thanky ou!!! of cos... thank you Lord for bringing a smile upon my face as i see went around to sell the remaining stuff, the photo frames and the bookmarks.. God i thank you lord for those who bought the things from me and supported QQS... Lord i thank you for letting me see her as it really makes me feel better... God i thank you for the kids at G kids as they eventually really came to support me.. I really felt the support from them even as they use their own pocket money to just buy one chocolate bar from the counter!! Lord i thank you for them!!!

then also went to service... i felt so tired and when i enter service.. i was practically dozing off... But wad i caught real hard was God is a GOD WHO SPEAKS!!! God who speaks?!?! Does it mean he will "HEY GUOWEI!! WAZZUPZZ..!!".... no!!! he wont just from the heaven start shouting my name like that!!What i got from pastor is that he will make things happen so coincidentally that he is speaking to us thru the numbers that we... the music that we hear!! I guess God is just telling me and affirming me.. cos recently i always "thought" that i hear God and sometimes i will just brush it aside as "it is just a coincidence!!".. GOD, I am sorry for brushing you aside.. God, speak to me ba!!

after everything end, i went with my brothers to wait for jimmy to book out!! FIRST BOOK OUT LEI... seeing him staying strong and positive is an exhibition of God's faithfulness and grace!! God i thank you for jimmy's safety...

When i reach home... chatted on the phone for a while and then went out to run.. that was one tough phonecall to make.. the sharing was a tough topic and really felt the fear... fear of lossing.. fear of being overwhelmed by negative thoughts... God i pray that you be the Lord over all the situations... God you know my fears.. Lord don let me carry things that are beyond my limits!! God help me!!! So after i put down the photo, i talked to my dad for a while and went to run all the way till 10!!! i think its been a long time since i ran so far.. and while running.. i just felt God's peace and all.. i cried while running.. just like a kid.. crying as i run to my father... and as i run, i felt God just comforting me and telling me things will at the end of the day work out rite if i continue to fear him more and more!! God, let me fear you more and more each day and let me just go through all this with you running beside me and picking up the tears that roll off my cheek... God pick me up and let me stay strong!! God let me have the power and ability to handle all this and help me to stand by it all!!! God assure us all and let us know you will pull us through togehter!!!

**I just hope that at those moments when things are not going well, you will know that there is someone who stands by you!! Thank God!!

One decision is all that matters!!

Today, its the GKidz picnic.

In the morning, I was not feeling very good and happy. I was actually so tired and all. And body is like aching!! But after listening to my picnic head, and his views regarding some issues, i felt better. But there is still that feeling of... I WAN TO SLACK... I WAN TO JUST GO THROUGH MOTION!!! So I went to the park as planned as the advance party. Upon reaching there, D___ and I started to set up the place and start allocating the place. After a while, everything is done and we are slacking and stoning. At this point in time, I am just stoning and wanting to get through it...

Soon, the first bus arrive. OUT OF MY DUTY... I went to direct them to D___ so that she can tell them where to settle down at.. But as the kids start coming, i see the laughter on their faces. I see the "looking forward to a great day" faces.. I felt God telling me, are you going to start shouting at them because they are so messy, and take all your anger out on them?

I thought for a while and I realised I am so selfish!! My problems are MY problems.. why am I taking my emotions out on other ppl?

So, in that short few minutes, I told myself.... Guowei.. if you are going to be so selfish and you want to ruin the whole event, go ahead and give that face!! but if you don wan to... then you should love them.. play with them and SMILE!!! greet everyone with a smile!!! And... ya... my decision is to smile.....

So, i was looking forward to my kids, and i saw them!!! I felt happier now that i have choosen to smile.. I felt lighter and felt God telling me that.. Good one la... Heng you choose the right thing to do.... other than that, when i saw the rest of the kids, as they walk towards me and as i redirect them to the picnic ground, i feel better and better.. Soon, I saw XX and seeing the smile make me smile too!!

Soon, the kids all arrived and I manage to join the kids and play... I was playing volleyball when this P4 guy came up to me and look at me... then he asked if he can play... (he is not from my group) and i smiled and said okay!! while playing, this P4 guy cut himself... maybe out of duty, i decide to bring him to clean up his cut.. it is just a small cut, so i asked him if he wanted to clean it up... he said no.. but i asked again.. and he said yes...

the next thing surprised me!!! this P4 guy held on to my hand!!! I was too surprised to think about it and so i just started walking... even as i reach my bag, i am still so surprised that someone, a young kid, will put so much trust in me... I don even know him and i nv seen him before!! as i was cleaning his cut for him... I really felt that he trusted me and he is thinking that i know wad i am doing when actually, i don.... but because of him.. i realised how much God trust me... this are young lives!! so many of them.. and God chose me to serve here.. God gave me this opportunity to demonstrate his trust for me... OMG... i really felt way better.. From the going thru motion to seeing the trust of God...

i think the main take away today for me is that most of the time... things happen just a decision away... just like this morning.. that simple decision to smile... it changes the whole spiritual climate that i am facing..

so... thank God for today!! THANK YOU lord for making it such a great day and letting me see you working through the live of a little one...

It's been a while since I last updated something on this blog... I think things at home are getting slightly better ba... After paying the money, there seems to be some peace at home...

So let me start with another thing... Just this weekend, I felt something that I nv felt before.. I felt as though something that meant quite a bit me got threatened.. There is that feeling that I am so useless and I cannot even do anything to protect it... Worst I am making things worst and felt quite lousy.. But eventually..I felt better after seeing that things are not as bad as I imagined it to be.. God I ask that you be the lord over it all and be the lord of my life.. God please come and let your peace reign in all that I am faceing.. God let your hands be with me and bless this important thing... God I ask that you come into my home and keep positive despite all that is happening... God watch over all of it..

Think about this

"Through all these years I have lived thus far, what some have deemed the dribs and drabs of life's facts dawn upon them, I have deem God's graces and illuminations making me understand that one TRULY lives joy, peace and happiness when you stop chasing butterflies with a net. They will only elude you.

But when you 'fulfill' your life with the needs of others who have so much less than you; when you bravely take the path that God's loving hands had carved for you (and only you..); and with and in faith, peace, joy and hope; giving thanks for any and every rock, stone or even boulder that blocks you and makes you stumble; and as you reflect humbly on all His tender mercy and love with your constant needs and complaints, on top of that VERY boulder that made you fall, HAPPINESS like the butterfly will come quietly and land on your shoulder whispering peace and joy in its fluttering wings of dance and music

I sometimes sit on that rock. That same rock that made me fall and bleed. The same rock that sometimes is a friend. But all the time is God.

I realize it is not what I do in my life, It is what I did with it. It's not what I'm having in my life, It's what I gave to have it. It's not so much what I do in life, It's how I live."

~ Gerard Sebastian, How I Live (an Anglo-Chinese Junior College Dance Society Production)

Best Friends

While many may see a very different side of me when at work, or in ministry, there's one side that few may know is that very often, I find myself feeling that I cannot make it as a friend. I was talking to my best friend this evening, and I do know that every time we share such heart-to-heart thoughts about our friendship, when I blare out my thoughts (complaints, really), it does frustrate the friendship. And at the end of it all, I feel guilty that I've caused all the frustrations and all. If only if I don't think so much, don't feel so negative and just be happy-go-lucky. Like the rest.

But I recognize that I'm not. More importantly, I recognize that I'm not that perfect friend - and while I do definitely feel bad about how things are, I continue to relentlessly love as I know how to, give as I can, and ask God to mould me to be that better person. I know I do fail, much to the dismay of myself - but that's life's very journey that God has marked out for me. The emotions, the character, the expectations I have on myself - that's who God has made me to be. All the other good traits are also part of the package.

My point? I really want to thank God for my friend who's always so patient with me; and thank you too. I know that I'm not all that perfect, at times I'm not sure why I'm like this. I probably can think of plenty of reasons, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy of how I end up so tired out, emotional and negative... I just hope that as we have our rough patches, that we continue to commit ourselves to each others' best interest. I know that neither of us are perfect, and as we share about each other, with all the other leader stuff taken away.. just as two best friends.. honestly committed to grow in God, things will get better.

"Best friends are not meant to be; but chosen"